the best you never had...

i just ended something of a relationship with a guy i met 11 months ago. he became a friend that i really cared about, so much that towards the end i wanted to be his gf. he didnt want the same for me. it is really hard for me to even talk about this but i just need to get it through my fingers. i got it in my head that if i was the perfect girlfriend then he would just automatically want me to be his gf, but i was totally wrong. he just was okay just letting things go that way with no intention to being my bf. it was really hard for me to come to the realization of it because i have given him so much of my time, effort, love and friendship. i taught him so much about himself and how he could be a better person and how he could be successful. i helped him with his business and helped his personal life outside of me. it was really hard when we had the "talk" the other night when i cried so much that i had swollen eyes the next day. we cant be friends. we cant do anything but he's constantly on my mind. and i had forgotten who i was and how much i loved myself and my friends are so relieved that i am back from it. i have come up for air and realize that i wasnt truly ever happy if i kept having to try to convince him to be with me. i dont know why i wanted to be with him. i just wanted someone to love and care about besides myself.

but i guess he will live without me just fine cuz that's how it seems. the dates i've been offered are still sitting at the table without any answers.. i'm just working on me right now. taking myself out to nice lunches and dinners and laughing as much as i can. i have to go back to being with me.. maybe the one will come.. maybe he will just be happy to be in my life who knows..

shalom.

so much...

i guess the only thing on my mind right now is the past few weeks of a relationship i've been in for a while. it was a HOT mess. literally, i've never been in such a weird relationship. both having to be secretive and in need of public affection i'm not sure what i'm trying to do. as a stronger person of the relationship emotionally, i've taken the toll of what i need to do to protect myself. i havent done anything to help me. i gave and gave in this relationship and didnt receive anything. he says he doesnt want to hurt me because in the long run we will not end up together, he thinks i'm in love with him. madly in love with him. to the degree where i want to marry him. he doesnt know that he hasnt even entered my mental realm of me wanting to even go that far with him. i basically am human and have a simple desire to be in love with someone for the time being. to love is better to not loved at all. life is so short that you never know whether you will have the chance to kiss that one person you loved for the time being. i've tried so hard to be the stronger one and accept the fact that i'm not his girlfriend and that i need to stop treating him like my boyfriend. he just took it all because it felt good, but didnt think that by continuing to take my love and affection he was egging me on to be his girlfriend and into a route of false emotional security.

last night we had dinner. i cried my eyes out. for what? he gave me nothing to want to go back to. i cant believe i let myself sit through that. he was mad at me for being cold but he was sitting right there in front of me doing the same thing. he lied to me. he lied to me. he didnt do what he said he did. and the proof is in the pictures that put him somewhere else. dont lie to me and tell me you dont want to hurt me. i'm not a dumb girl. i am well aware of my emotions and what i'm putting out there. i just dont know what i'm doing anymore. i'm sure its time to kill it. no point of trying. how many chances does a girl have to give a guy before its too many if he doesnt realize that once she's gone thats it. so thats the end of me and him.

happy new year.. 2010

sorry.. ivve been busy working and trying to get my career in check. trying to survive and have a good hold on my sanity. keep you all posted.

xoxo

the life of november...

my birthday passed and it wasnt as great as i hoped it to be.

right now currently feel really good about my life. today i made the decision to quit a job that was damaging my emotional happiness. its hard sometimes to do certain things, to leave something like a job is like breaking up with someone you used to love. i'm in search of a new sushi restaurant to eat at..

i'm looking for a job to fill my time with happiness. business cards are being designed and printed and the recipes are ready to be written, imagined and enjoyed. i'll be ready for what the world is going to throw my way. i'm a year wiser and i think this coming year i'll be able to handle my life as the adult that i would respect if i was the younger version of me. i've learned to value every second i have with the people in my life and if the company isnt great, you should just move on. thats what i did. i want to have positive energy and if i'm creating negative energy when i'm around some people, then i should leave it alone. growing up is hard. growing up honest with yourself is the worse.

im getting tougher as i'm taking krav maga classes. i get punched, kicked, blocked, thrown in class and now i'm learning that its my mind that need a partner for taking the stresses of the world. working out has helped me a lot. i hope i keep it up.

shalom.

Vietnam part 2

in vietnam...

2 things.

1) men/boys: you need to be more sensitive towards feelings of nice girls. you know they are nice and yet you do them wrong. I'm not a nice girl, but most of my friends are nice people. it hurts me so when they are hurt due to the lack of consideration of the male mind. yes not all but a good amount of men will have damaged a girl's heart. I understand you just want to have sex but still say it out and deal with the problems that intimacy with good girls will come about. I hate to see a friend sad because of a typical male problem of no feelings. i guess "out of sight out of mind" is the attitude. but dont expect that nice girl to ever be nice to you again. it bugs me.

2) headed to vietnam for a month. this should be very interesting. i hope to blog while i'm there with pictures and upload food pix for my food blog. i cant wait. i leave this weekend. good times. with the last minute trip i hope to find myself by going back to my roots and experience life a little more day by day. if only my ipod would sync up i would be a happier camper. going to buy some sunblock and ziplock bags for my travels.

shalom.