1 sheep 2 sheep 3 sheep 4 sheep

well its currently 337am. and i am up yet another night. i recently been having serious problems sleeping. I'm kind of tired. but not sleepy. i lay in my bed read, or just in the dark hoping to fall asleep. i sit and think of happy thoughts or just try to meditate anything that will bring me to a REM state of sleep. I stare at the dog that I'm dog sitting. she is curled up in ball right next to my leg and she smiles as she is dreaming what dogs dream about.. perhaps a scrap of delicious food falling to the ground where she can get it and taste it. or her owner coming to pick her up from me. i really don't know. but i really wish i was able to sleep that peacefully.

its been about a week or more.. that this has occurred. It started as just a regular late night up talking to friends, reading a book, watching a movie.. sleeping at 1 or 2 am but then... it became 5am then waking up at 8 or so but not recalling any sleep just a lot of tossing and turning.. the naps to try to sleep are useless. and so i force myself to get up and do things to get tired. but no help. I'm considering to get some medical help. because i have a pounding headache. gosh i remember the when i could sleep for hours and no disruption but now.. nothing i sit and stare into the dark abyss called my room. i don't see why i cannot sleep. i have no worries from anything. perhaps boredom can do this? well I've been reading so I've been pretty entertained. who knows.. I'm afraid i might die from lack of sleep but i know that's just silly. I'll just go mad. ha like that's any better.. me mad.. as if I'm not already.. if only one could peer into my mind and see the things i think... they would considered me a bit odd..

well off to sit in the dark.

shalom.

la coquette

not so long ago.. i had a handle that was "coquette" in everything that i did.. that was my name. i had stumbled upon it as a description for Brett Ashley from the Sun Also Rises. I somehow felt some type of allure by her behaviour and thus I decided, that flirtatious woman was going to be me. somehow it stuck for a long time and perhaps the very person i am trying to fight as I'm growing up.

realize that through our conversations he had developed a I have found myself doing battle with this personality trait. On some days, to the unknowing man/boy, become my prey. i will devote a good amount of time thinking of how i will talk to them and how they will be seduced. sometimes they have no attraction to me at first, but i mold myself into something they would desire. recently someone said "so you think you're hot shit, and that i want to fuck you? well no, i just thought you would be fun" well i guess he didn't see that the curiosity had hit him. and of course this comment was sparked as i told him that i was not interested in "fucking" him and that i wasn't looking to 'have fun' with him. and now i am known to him and perhaps a few others as a tease, a fake, an overconfident not so hot/not so cute girl who thinks everyone wants to fuck her. but most guys often forget that they'll pretty much will fuck anything if given the chance... odd how the standards kick in every so often. women can have sex at anytime and anywhere with anyone... so yes technically i can have sex with anyone. but i didn't mention that to the gentleman i was speaking to...

but on other days, i want to be a nice girl. i try my best to look for chemistry. no pity dates. no pity fucks. no pity anything. i want to talk to someone and actually be genuinely interested in what they have to say. i do find conversation hot. i find men who know more than me sexy. i find passion in hobbies,work,anything attractive. i find confidence stimulating to my attraction. but as soon as they become a puddy of a man i lose all interest. someone who thinks they've gotten me, calling me a "booty call #2", constantly calling/texting of when they will see me, asking if i would email a sexy picture etc... things like that are instant turn offs. the more you want the less i want to give. i guess that's the whole 'you want what you cant get' theory. perhaps that's is why I'm still single. i don't actually know if i want a relationship i think the chase is still very thrilling to me without me really knowing when to stop. some days i do get bored with it and just climb into bed and sleep it off.. others i ponder why I've played the game so well that i have friends calling me up asking for how to catch their desired man...perhaps I'm not suppose to chase.. they are suppose to chase me and keep my attention... i am my own worst enemy. time will only tell if i'll even come close to winning.

shalom.

my food blog

just started a food blog.. perhaps to launch a horrible attempt at food writing.. but lets see if i can even write! thank H for the advice.

http://ispeakfoodtoo.blogspot.com/

winter break...

I'm happy to report that my second semester in a new school is done. and now its break time, winter break. and gosh does it feel good. I am only expecting one bad grade (C ish) but thats what I'm going to have to deal with since I did not put forth more than a C effort. But otherwise, I hope to be getting some As and some B's, which is fine with me. I'm just happy that its over for now. In a few weeks I'll be going at the whole student thing all over again. Its sometimes a little strange to think that I've done the whole work thing, pay rent, live with roommate, cook for myself, be independent thing already. Perhaps that is what makes me more appreciative of this opportunity to be in school and only worry about the whole getting good grades things. its simple again, like HS. although I think come the new year I'm looking into volunteering and such. I feel as though I should stop bitching and try out to help change people's views on things they do not really know much about.

No real plans for this break but to catch up on the personal readings I've held off. first book will be Comfort Me with Apples, by Ruth Reichl, she is the editor for Gourmet Magazine and she's one of my favorite authors, I adore reading about cooking, cooks and all things relating to food. I know I'm in school for the strangest thing, I know most people think I should be in culinary school, but why does that have to affect what I'm learning as long as I'm learning. So I'm not really a history buff, but i enjoy sitting there listening to people with passion discuss and tell great stories. I feel like a little kindergarten kid listening to my teacher tell of how amazing the world is, i like that feeling, to be taught. its not fun when you don't want to listen to the story, its just a waste of time then. but for me, this time around in college, I'm able to sit and learn about things i want to hear, and so i don't know the cold hard facts, I'm doing much better being a cultured person than most people. I'm a "just visiting" history major, you know.. passing through with no real intent to be a historian.

I'm striving for the role of a renaissance woman, someone who knows a bit about everything. i want to be extremely well rounded, well cultured and be able to be dropped in the world anywhere and be fine. that's what i want. success is good but i rather be happy and passionate about living life. I'm sure things might change over time but i sure hope that part of me will stay pretty much in tact for a while. so this break will be a time of rest and museum visits. its rest well deserved and much needed. i hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year. remember to save room for dessert.. its the best part !!! I'm hoping to have a nice break with some fun times and some relaxation as well.

shalom.

space.

Within the last week I have been extremely busy. so busy that at times I did not know what day it was. Finals tend to do that to a college student, if that student chooses to care. And since I moved away from my home just to be at a college student, you bet I'm locked in a library all day long studying and working on my final projects/papers. Most people in my life, who actually know me. know that I've been trying to put forth some effort in doing this college thing right this time around... so what i do not get is people who dint understand that about what I'm going through.

I got a few phone calls and instant messages from some people who were asking me "wtf is up with you, where have you been? no phone calls, texts, etc,". to me that is just screaming annoyance. then I starting to think about those types of guys, who are clinging. they didn't call me before when they had gf or was busy but of course now that they are single. they like to call me, saying how much it sucks that I'm here and they are back home and how it could be great of a time if we were together.. to me all that is bullshit. trying to pull a guilt trip on me doing what's best for my own life is not a way to get into my circle. and it is never okay for someone to make you feel guilty for doing something good with your life. and people wonder why i never pick up their phone calls, or when i do answer them they get the most evil version of me..

I've come to an understanding that the guy that i tend to find myself truly attracted to, have a life. they don't call me everyday, asking me what i was doing, what i want to do, if i was thinking about them, etc... i really dislike the neediness in men and people in general. not that i don't want someone to call just to say hi and check up on me. but i want some space to live my own life and i hope that he would want that too, so when we do actually talk/hang out it is great. we're not sick of each other. perhaps that's a hard concept for some to grasp. i haven't really been in a real "relationship" of the traditional sense. no titles for me, although its not said out loud, chances are, I'm not creeping around with multiple guys. i tend to stick to my life and to one person whom I'm interested in. there is not need for juggling feelings of others, it a waste of my time and its just cruel. although during times of no specific interest, i am truly a modern single girl. i guess during this time of stress and time management having people calling me and being mean to me about why I'm studying hard is just annoying. and these people who are clingy wonder why I'm not jumping to the first chance to call them.

moral of the story is give me space. because chances are i'm giving you your space. and men who are clingy are simply annoying. regardless if i'm interested in them or not. it even annoys men when guys my friends are dating are constantly calling/texting her as we are studying for finals. ... grrrr... well almost over with finals so i guess it will be over soon, because i'm pretty sure i get no phone calls/texts when i'm idle. thats how it usually works. .

shalom.

sex as dessert.

you know that saying.. "use it or lose it" does that apply to everything??? i wonder. i was thinking about sex recently... well i think about it almost everyday, but that's another blog. anyhow. i was trying to remember what good sex was. is it dirty? with role play, costumes, whips, whipped cream, toys, dirty talk, etc. ? I'm not exactly quite sure if I'm sold on that idea.and i was trying to think if i was good or if I've lost it if at one point i was good... hmmm.

great/amazing/mind blowing sex to me is like the prefect dessert. of course as a woman i love chocolate. so the ideal dessert is a creamy moist chocolate lava cake. that sensation of the cake melting in my mouth is something that blows my mind. even after a 4 course dinner there is always room for perfect desserts that just tops it off. it gives you that feeling of completeness, a sense of finish, the "now i can sleep like a log", the "wow" factor. and like great sex you should need it as much as you want it. and of course it should just like dessert, done with care and finesse and time. as long as it takes for it to be amazing...

great sex should be just like that. after a long day/week/ work/school/life and all its stresses that makes you hate everything the idea of a great session should revitalize your soul/body/mind. even in moments of tiredness amazing sex should just make you tingle inside. a yearning in which your body calls out to feed it. now that i think about it. its been a while. since i had that amazing "dessert" i wonder if i have forgotten how it makes me feel... i just finished my fast this week... I'm slowly starting to break it. and now i have the option to eat a wonderful chocolate cake sometime soon... and now i no longer crave food but rather i want something that my whole body will enjoy not just my tummy. perhaps just a warm body to hold me as it snows outside could work just as well, it would serve as a small piece of chocolate candy melting in my mouth as i crave for more...

i hope every gets their cake and eats it too...

shalom.

i am so excited for dec. 7