trained by the best..

i recently heard a song that was a bit disturbing. it was called 'damaged' by some girl band. anyhow the basis of the song is that the girl has been damaged by the previous and the guy who she is singing the song to needs to find a way to 'fix her' and i thought that was very interesting. yes i agree that girls and not all girls are damaged. that one guy in their lives have messed them up for good, they can no longer trust another man, they become very crazy. i admit that. but then there's another way to look at things... my way..

going just end. a woman might have hurt him and he became the player he is and i got played and now i prevent myself from getting played by being a secretive and extremely private person. its not as easy as it look. this way of thinking makes you hate real relationships and you find yourself doubting everyone. and how will i ever trust anyone to let them into my life? i guess its a self i was in their words 'damaged' but i like to think i was trained by the best. he was the sneakiest person Ive ever met. fortunately he and i no longer talk. i think we're cordial with any interaction that might come up. but from him i learned how to be the person i hated the most. someone like him. my phone is always on silent. no one calls without being expected. i know whats going on and there are no posts of images or comments online without my knowledge. i don't want everyone in the world to know who I'm seeing or what I'm doing. i learned all that from him. and now i see that its made me into a non trusting person. i guess the cycle wasn'trehabilitation cycle i need to learn to help myself. i guess the first step is admitting i have a problem. but i kind of like it. i don't want anyone in my life, why get hurt again? its much easier to stay neutral to feelings of love and passions. plus i doubt anyone sees me like that anyhow. i like to think of it as a nice shield from the real life situations i dont want in my life.

shalom.

the drugs dont work like they used to...

I'm not talking about the illegal drugs.. what i mean by drugs are the bad things in life that we tend to keep wanting knowing that they are damaging to the soul. why are we out there doing it to ourselves? what in our past makes us want to do the same offenses to ourselves, why keep seeing the person that makes you hurt inside? why are we looking in the shopping catalog plunging deeper into debt? why are we smoking more and more after we know its bad? why are the drinks increasing in quantity and strength? why do we look online seeing how the drug is doing in their lives without us? why do we scroll down the contacts list wanting to call? why do we eat more even after we are full? what the hell is going on?

where is the self control and moderation that we know we are capable of? i seem to be up at 5:26am. very usual for me these days. i no longer sleep like normal people. i don't want to deal with the realities of my life right now. the fact is i'm not really happy with school. i feel as though i am not smart enough for it. i think i'm getting by because people like and feel bad, how do i know if these teachers are really helping me by grading me fairly or not. ? how do i know i'm actually a smart person who can think? my confidence has been shot to shit. nothing i do makes me feel good anymore. getting an internship doesn't mean anything. its likes being empty inside. nothing i do is for any reason or purpose anymore. this isnt me. i'm gonna blame it on the sun and spring break this time. but i know deep down inside its me. and the surroundings i've putting my mind in.

if i don't sleep normally within the next week after break, i'm going to see a medical professional to deal with the sleep issue. i'm going to clean my room and my mind out. maybe a cleansing fast to clear out the body and mind. perhaps a nice run on the treadmill. i need a new life. i keep looking back thinking of the good old days when i should be looking forward to make the present more exciting and as memorable as before, but somehow i cant picture myself in the future. i have no plans i plan on sticking to. i am completely in fear of any commitment. i feel as though i'm wasting away.

i hope some clarity comes soon. or i get a grip of myself sooner then later.. but if neither come then some nice recreational drugs might come in handy. for those lonely nights...

shalom.

i'm a care bear

today.. was one of those days where i felt like a good friend.

somehow everyone decided to call me and talk to me. i felt like i was needed missed loved. all those feelings and i was happy. i got to talk to my friend regarding her music career and her new place in Hollywood. and we talked about how when i come home to visit, we can drunk walk up to her place without ever having to get into a car. -then my sunshine and i talked. he's one of my great friends that i call sunshine, he's also very tall and so when i do look and talk to him its usually up and he's normally smiling when he sees me. so he's sunshine. we got caught up on the phone today about his life, his girl and all things regarding life and friendships/relationships. it was nice to catch up with him. we use to go on sushi adventures. i took him and our other friend to little Tokyo one night and it was the best night i can remember of my favorite sushi hopping days.. *I'll explain that concept in my other blog. -then i was able to talk to my best friend just about random stuff. and i love when i get to talk to her cuz somehow it makes me feel like I'm home. we somehow manage to talk about everything from politics of the world *taiwan, the wonders of anderson cooper, first year associates earnings in both us and canada. we have a really good conversation even if its over the aim screen. - then my friend here in pa. she text ed me and i was able to say happy Easter to her. but we text and email each other often. especially when we're bored. but its always fun that way. and then my friend who just got back from France called me and told me about his trip. he made me jealous about the museum d'oresay but one day. i'll make it there.. but we talked about school *usc and careers and summer plans. -then my buddy over at crash tv through blackberry messenger we discussed just family affairs, love and life. and he showed me pictures of his new home.

but overall it was just getting into touch with everyone that made today a bit better then other days. having them just coming in contact from all over and in many different forms makes all the difference when i go to bed at night thinking if i'm a good friend or not.. and this makes it okay.

days like this makes me happy. makes me feel like a good friend. where these people would take the time out of their lives to call me and shoot the shit. and just keep me updated on their lives. sometimes its about life changing career moves, real estate moves, trip reviews etc. but all those minutes that these people take out to talk to me and keep me a part of their lives makes me feel special. makes me feel wanted and loved. and i think its because i try very hard to be a good friend and times like these makes me love every moment of the little things in life. a phone call can change things and maybe they really needed someone to listen to. and i was there eager to hear their problems, their new romances, their troubles even their road rage. I'm glad they are my friends and i am theirs.

with that. be a great friend and you'll have one in return.

shalom.

solitude

listening room. rene magritte.

i think my head is a bit unwell. the break isn't good for me when I'm staying here in my room. alone with books, computer, thoughts etc. i think I'm going to avoid the world for a few days. let myself take a break from the worries that i have brought upon myself. i have no real time for me. no place to go for balance and clarity. no friends to make me feel better. i feel like i'm a million miles away from the nearest relief. not that i don't have friends here in pa. but rather i just need the familiar faces and feelings i always knew would make me feel better.

I'm sick of people here. i am sick of feeling second rate. i feel like i don't matter here. and nothing i do is that great. i don't belong here and i know that but when i stop and look, everyone knows that too. I'm a fox in sheep's clothing. one more year and Ill be out. i hope i don't make any more friends. that way i only have one or two people to worry about when i leave the state.

another problem of mine is that of my romantic life. o i tried. trust me i tried. i put myself out there and nothing i get back. i feel like I'm babysitting, or I'm a fucking escort. i don't like any those feelings so i guess I'm done with anything out here. i guess that will contribute to my jealous nature that has been started online. i admit that public displays of affection/sexual ties on facebook are not so good. i see those things and i realize i don't have the special relationship i thought i had. but who am i kidding. I'm not loyal, he holds no title with me: why should i expect anyone to be loyal with me.. anything. i cant wait to get the hell out of here.

and if you couldn't tell I'm not exactly happy, its because I'm not sleeping well yet again. insomnia is a bitch and no one cares.

shalom.

love?

so i was thinking about life. and actually i was watching a silly show. gene Simmons family jewels and i saw how he and his baby momma acted towards each other. and it was cute. they aren't married but have two kids together. so i guess being married isn't that important. but then i could be traditional like that in loving the dream of the wedding and marriage vows.

my best friends are getting married. two of my closest friends have gotten engaged or getting married within the next two years. one this year. and its very strange thinking about it. they have been in long meaningful relationships and are going to commit to it. and for one of them I'm planning to plan her wedding. odd. i am a romantic. don't get me wrong. i know whats up. but my personal love life isn't that great. with my type of luck i might not getting married but having one of those type of rock star relationships, love fun and no paperwork. who knows. we'll see. but i just think its wonderful that true love exist these days. but then again i don't know what type of love I'm talking about. my definition of love is hard to define. there is a song that like called 'what is love' by ayo a french artist. it asks such a simple question of what is love and how it really is a personal definition of what it is. i could love a person without ever saying it. but I'm sure it could be felt. well that's what i think. who knows. i could be filled with rubbish with my dreaming. but then again I'm bored and in the cold, lonely and in need of a good cuddle. so i could just be ranting.

but i do miss home.

shalom.