a little homesick....

i miss home. currently. its the weekend. if i was home, i'm pretty sure i'd have exhausted my phone list by calling everyone to hang out. after i've learned that everyone has had plans for the night i would resort to going to dinner alone. probably sushi. i'd sit and dine alone for a few hours until close and then probably go drive around to the beach for a bit. then go home. when i was home i didnt always have plans to hang out with friends. but i was never really sad there. there was always something to do, i know all the cool places where i could sit alone for hours to entertain myself.

now. i dont have that. there isnt places that i can sit for a few hours without feeling like i'm a loser. i miss home. my friends, my family, my spots. if i could do anything right now, it would be strolling along venice beach at 9pm. talking to a close friend about life.dreams. etc. but i cant even get to an ocean in less than 6 hours drive. i'm a water sign i need to be near water and the lakes arent cutting it for me. i want to be in at leas 30miles of my closest friends. its hard being here for school and having only one person to be normal with. i dont speak to many people here, they dont get me. they think i'm weird. they think i'm odd... perhaps i am. but back home i was loved for it. here i'm just alone. its hard. i want to go home. get on a plane and be with my friends. with my lover(s). with my family.

but i know that going home right now wont change anything. it wont make things get better. i am here in pa to get a degree(s) and thats what i'm going to do. i have to finish what i've started and just because i'm a little blue from being alone isnt any reason to run back home. i'm stronger than that.. its just a bit hard right now. i'm hoping a road trip will help. hopefully i can shake this... or i'll need more drugs to help numb the time/pain away.

shalom.

outline? you're kidding me!

so...

in a college core course in which i have to take i was given the assignment for a midterm. what was it? it was to read a book, and not analyze, not a book report, not a book review but rather outline the entire book. then put most of the important parts on a 3x5 note card, handwritten, one side so that i would have to regurgitate the outline in class for the midterm exam.

I'm sorry. last time i check i already finished high school and busy work during my 3rd year of college is a bit annoying. i felt as though the school didn't have enough time to think of a more sensible way to waste my time. and for a public speaking course i thought the midterm would at least have something to do with speaking. but no. it didn't. it was making me try to remember a 300 page book about cave paintings... how is that going to help me? what it did was make me despise the class more than i already do. i feel as though I'm in study skills in high school, where the teacher had to make us do silly things like this to pass time. how on earth am i paying for this at a university, a private at that... i have not a clue.

every time i leave that class i feel a bit dumber and a bit more annoyed than before. and don't get me started on the whole "in conclusion" being acceptable as a way to end a speech... my grad student who is trying to teach the class is getting on my last nerve. I'm sure it wasn't his decision to teach the course that way, but not spelling many historical figures isn't really helping me respecting him.

the sexy devil...

I'm going to do an exhibit on the theme of "femme fatal" for my art and society class. i'm actually excited to be doing this. I feel that its going to help me get a better understanding of the idea of women being sex symbols as both being a bad thing and sometimes being a good thing. I'm not too sure exactly where I will be going with this but I'm hoping for a good turn out of a good grade. Plus i get to put in my favorite painting.

Having to do a self portrait in my painting class has also caused me to really think of how much i really like the image of myself. is it a lack of confidence if do not like the way i look? does it mean that i have low self esteem if i don't like a million pictures that I've seen myself in? i don't know. i really am more worried about finding a style in which i want to blend my style with. perhaps a tom wesselman style of painting. I have to find my own style and my own image as something i want to paint. for the first time in a long time I'm actually happy with where i am with in my life. I'm in school learning the things i really want to learn, I'm not stressed about trying to be in the trends, I'm not trying to be where i think i need to be to be "cool", i don't care how people judge me on the way i dress, i don't care about nothing but being me and being happy. its very different now. I'm at that "fuck it" phase where nothing matters but how i feel about the world around me. I'm starting to have my own opinions from my experiences and i 'm actually living life.

i guess in the end what I'm trying to say is that.. being content with where you are in your life at the present moment is something spectacular, in that it gives you the ability to see the world in a new way, without that dark bitter sense. i like it.