figuring it out..

the other day i was asked "how are you?" and i answered "stressed, I'm figuring out my life" i thought that was quite the appropriate answer as that was exactly was what was going on in my mind at the present moment. 

tonight, as i was peeling and then eating an orange, i thought to myself of the simple times in my life. when i was younger, one of my favorite moments during any day was the time when my family sat down after dinner, eating fruit. my sister would sit and peel whatever fruit we were eating and then i would put all the toothpicks into the fruit and took it out to my parents who were sitting outside in the patio. this was and could be one of the priceless moments of my childhood that i can always look back and be happy. thinking of that in my life, when i was sure of the moments at the present time and simply happy and not worried about my "future" - i think its quite odd that people today as i approach graduation like to ask me silly questions like 

"what are your plans for after graduation?" "what are you going to do with your degree?" "where are you going to get a job?" "what do you want to do with your life?" 

questions like that really piss me off. as if i do not have enough things to think about already such as, what to eat, where to eat, do i have money, is my checking okay, do i remember where my car is parked today, should i wait in line for coffee, is my computer charged, is my homework done, do i have a paper due tomorrow, am i scheduled for volunteering time, what time is the meeting with my advisor, did i call my mom this month,  did i do the reading, should i go to class, do i want to go out, do i look fat.... and much more endless amount of questions that i have to ask myself. having someone older *which is usually case* ask me what i want and will be doing- is stupid. Do i look like a psychic? I'm pretty sure the next time someone asks me a question like that I'm just going to in turn ask them "did you know what you would be doing at this very point in your life when you were 22?, is that even a valid question to be asking me?" i think its absurd that people think i need to have all the answers to what and where i want to be in my life in the next 5 years or the next 20 years of my life. do i have a plan? yes. do i need to share that with you, so that if i do not succeed for you to know and lecture upon my failures? i don't think so. that's quite personal. 

I'm young and although i like to think i am wise, there is still a lot of things out there for me to learn and experience. that i know. but i really don't need older people telling me how and what to do with my life. i don't go around telling teenagers how to behave and live their life, i don't go around showing my knowledge and my wisdom, if a teen wants to ask for advice then they should and could ask me. but I'm not going around preaching to the youth on how to live. because frankly people who don't want to hear you wont. so why bother and waste my energy? even my friends do not like to hear me preach, mainly because they want to figure it out for themselves, or the second they know that I'm right. there are things in life that one must learn on their own, but when one needs advice, I'm sure they will go seek it. so enough with the bullshit questions of "what do you want to do for the rest of your life?" and I'm pretty sure I've given my token bullshit answer for a bullshit question "i want to be happy for the rest of my life" how about them apples.? growing up is already hard in this ever changing time with cracked out media, strange politics and bad economy, i seriously don't need any additional annoyance if i can avoid it. so don't think I'm a horrible person, but I'm in the process of "figuring it out" ha. 

shalom. 

dont lie.

I'm not going to lie. but I honestly feel like shit. I don't know what is wrong but I think its time for me to find a new world. its time to just change everything. to move on from what I know. I need to get out. I'm choking at the thought of what I'm doing with my life. What is my life consisting of? nothing. School is a joke. Don't get me wrong. I love what i study. but why? There is no sense in what I am doing at school for what i WANT to do with my life. but with so much idle time I'm starting to lose who I am. and even forgetting the things i love. who am i ? what do i love? i'm just waiting for may to come to get out and be able to start doing something. i am lying to myself, and i always promised myself that i would not do that. 

Why the hell am I even doing in Pittsburgh. I don't belong here. I've made a false home of this place and its becoming a mockery in my daily life. so what if i got away from la. so what if i was able to say i lived somewhere else in my life. I'm miserable here. its a time out from the real world that i fucked up on back in Los Angeles. this sentence is wearing me thin. I used to be able to deal with things with a smile and just deal with things straight up and now? I hide. i'm scared. i'm weak. i'm lost. i'm sick. i've become some monster and i've become the type of person i hate. i'm just simply tired of it. this place is making me becoming something and someone i dont want to be. there is nothing here for me to even want to continue. i'm forced to settle for things. I cant breathe. I don't know what i'm doing anymore. i dont feel any sense of connection here. i feel alone. i feel like i'm drowning and the ledge is too far to reach. i seriously am not where i want to be mentally. i know that during summer when i was home i was genuinely happy with where i was and who i was, and once i got on that plane and landed here and shit began to just suck butt, i'm at a frantic to try to find stable ground. 

what am i to do? i'm stuck here. i know i need to make lemonade and deal with all the lemons that life has placed in my basket. i'm just scared that i cannot hold tread long enough to survive. i feel hated here. i feel that this city is rejecting me. i have tried to like it. tried to understand it. but it just doesn't like me. and now i feel the hatred from the people, the places, the animals, the weather, just everything. its saying 'get the hell out of here, you dont belong'. i don't know what to do. someone help me. send me an answer, hell just slap me and maybe i'll remember who i was. i guess this is part of growing up. but why are all the people i know who would help me across the country? why. why . am i weak. 

what makes it perfect??

I recently started a new thing in my life. I have been an observer of relationships for many years now, not knowing what it was like personally, but now I'm part of that group of people in society that choose to be in exclusive relationship with another person. Its very interesting, because I was giving a lot of advice to others about meeting people and how to become outgoing to get out and date, i had become an expert dater. how to put one self into the position to be asked out or plan a meeting with someone. I guess since I always got the guy I wanted my friends would ask for my advice on dating, and most of the time it worked. and just for clarification, just because i got the guy i wanted, doesn't mean that he was my boyfriend, he was my boy toy for the time being. but that's another story. . . 

but over the years, of seeing my friends' relationships go sour, I've come to the understanding and have developed my own beliefs of how my relationships would and should be. but of course when it really happens nothing really ever goes as your plans, but you should just hope that you're well prepared or just flexible enough to go with the hurdles that life throws. I think that there are many things wrong with the way people interact with the opposite sex these days. there are many factors that go into finding someone to be in a relationship with. first off the question is to ask what do you want? do you want someone you will marry? do you want someone to be with you through the next two or three years? are you just looking for a steady fuck that you can have dinner with on occasion? to know what you really want is to find the right relationship. but most people are not quite aware of what type they want, because they do not know where they are at in their lives. so before getting into a relationship with anyone, i hope that you know yourself enough to know what you want. if you cannot decide what to wear or eat on a daily basis then maybe you should consider being in a relationship with someone. but that's just me. 

another thing to consider before going into a relationship is that if you are even able to do it. are you damaged? are you a weirdo? are you too shy? are you simply just not ready, do you have that many insecurities about yourself that you would just mess it up in the first few months? there is a lot that goes into being with someone, not just getting along with them or listening to the same music or believing in the same god. its more that those little things, its the realities of relationships that most people don't look at in the beginning and before you know it, you're in a fight and breaking up and you think you're a complete failure. and truth is, yes you are. you went into something and did not know what to do and wasn't ready. so don't drive the car unless you're well aware of the rules and the precautions of driving. because you don't want to crash and burn and become a lemon. but that isn't to say that Lemons don't find love in the end. maybe when the lemon makes lemon do they find love. 

and speaking of lemons... significant others with baggage. of course every person wants someone that is perfect. but why? I'm sure as hell not perfect, as much as i like to think highly of myself, i know in fact that i have made many mistakes and from them i have become the person i am now. but what about the person I'm in love with? what if his past is bad. what if he didn't tell me the truth about his past? what if it was something i could not tell my parents? what if this would be a big factor in our future? i mean to me, it shouldn't matter, because due the past, only then if they learn from it they are the better person in present and in the future times. I don't think that by always trying to follow with the mold of conventional definitions of how relationships should be is healthy. i mean everyone is going to have to deal with realities that not everyone is going to love who they think they imagined in their dreams. I certainly have fallen in love with some very odd men that i never thought i would. but i find myself trying to ignore what people think, their opinions of who i like or am in a relationship with. because quite frankly at the end of the night, the person who i speak to last is the person that i know cares for me regardless of what others may say about our relationship, them or me.

i believe that if two people truly understand each other and really care for each other should be able to carry out a good relationship regardless of the hurdles and bridges that they need to cross. holding hands and talking it through is a great way to solve problems. honesty and faith in the other person is a great way of looking at a relationship. do you trust that person? can you trust yourself with this person? is there any doubt? do you have faith in the way they feel about you? those are questions everyone should ask. and i ask myself that all the time. when you know the answer, the butterflies and the tingles all help make it real that you do like the person and that in your mind and heart it will work. because if your heart says no and your mind is making it say yes, then its just a recipe for disaster. so make sure both your heart and you mind know that it is the right thing to do, any ounce of doubt/jealous/fear/insecurities will burn small holes in your heart or rip through your confidence as a person. and at the end of the night no one will love you as much as yourself, so be sure that the person you say 'i love you' to at the end of the day will not make you into someone worse then the person you were before you met them.