just dive in..

i was thinking today of actions of myself and others around me. it seems that there are two types of people in this world, those who dive right in and others who dip their toes in to test the waters. i have always been that one person to dive right in. deal with the cold later. i wonder if that is the best way to live life or not? its such a part of who i am now, there is not much chance to changing it. i cant sit and wait around, life is too short to plan and be cautious. i think that I've been more so like that after a personal event in my life, that I've learned that life is too short and you may not know what tomorrow will bring, so i now i make sure i live my day in a way that at the end of the night when i go to bed i don't regret any thing. and that if i didn't wake up tomorrow it would be okay because i did the things i wanted to do that day.

this reminds me of a moment in my high school days when i was on the swim team. *note that i did not know how to swim until i joined the team, i almost quit the third day but i didn't and now its a trait i have learned to love. anyhow, we had 6am morning practices and it was the first day of practice and believe me, waking up before the sun comes up to jump into a pool isn't the most exciting thing in the world to look forward to. so taking the chance, i put on my goggles and took a deep breath and jumped right in, first one in and i help sooth the fear for others.. i dealt with the rapid change of temperature and i did very well that season. that and many other moments such as the cleansing fast that I'm doing now really shows that i am stronger that i sometimes think about myself. i feel that everyone should just jump in sometimes, start something new, do something that they might not be too sure of, doing something that will really test you as a person. can you swim? can you paint? can you socialize? can you date? can you not eat for 14 days? can you________? tests are ways in which i think we learn that we're human and how great it is to be alive. I'm not saying that everyone should go jump off a plane, *personally i wont volunteer jumping off a plane that is perfectly fine for landing... I'm just hoping that at one point in life you test how strong you really are, how well you can deal with the pressures of something new.

maybe this trait has lead me to have so many different skill sets and four different resumes and a variety of industries in which I've worked in. or i have a short attention span, but i really do think once i know i can do something it makes me feel a bit better that I'm not as random as i think i am. so what if i can make a perfect turkey and type 80 wpm while planning an event... it makes me all that more unique. with that I'm finishing day 2 of my fast. 12 more days until food. and I'm planning my Christmas dinner already.. revisiting the Prime Rib recipe. so much to do, so much to think about. finishing out the semester with the fast should be very good. I'm seeing, thinking, living with much more clarity.

shalom.

cleanse thyself

so this week will mark the start of my cleanse. a bit earlier this year, but i have sat down to look at the calendar and the next two weeks are going to work for my fast. with so much work for school to be done, this will work since it will help clear my mind and body of all distractions/toxins. I'm a bit eager for it this year since i feel that my body has been through some intense stress. I'm going to wholefoods on Monday to get the maple syrup needed for the lemonade. if you're curious to what it is called "the master cleanser" aka "the lemonade diet" although i don't think calling a diet is proper. it is more of a cleansing fast. i feel so much better after finishing it. no food/drinks for two weeks. only the lemonade. it cleanses the body of all bad things and gives you a fresh start. i think the ability to do the fast is more of mental challenge than anything else, giving up our daily food/snacks/vices shows the power in our own mental prowess. i think for me it makes me a stronger person mentally to be able to do something that most people could never do.

three more weeks and I'm free of school. then three weeks of solitude, i might go out check out falling waters, read some books i bought in NYC, cook some gourmet food for friend(s), watch some TV, go to the movies alone, find a place to drink my coffee, i think an adventure is needed during that time. a mini adventure in my life. something to tell people about. my life is all about the stories i can tell people. well with that I'm going to try to sleep or deal with the piles of books sitting on my floor and the unfinished painting on the other side of the room... so much to do with no desire to do so. isn't that just a bitch?

if i could be doing anything right now, i would like to be sitting somewhere with a view, maybe with someone if that person is interesting, share in some good conversation while looking over the scenery. I'd like that very much. if not i could settle with a little cafe with good food and a book. maybe sooner than later.

shalom.

Giving Thanks.

so i just got back from my quick NYC weekend. and it was wonderful for the most part. a few minor setbacks but nonetheless a trip that help keep my sanity for a little longer as the temperature starts to drop. three museums in two days with the 70th floor view *top of the rock was amazing. got to eat at my beloved Houston's restaurant as well as some Belgium waffles to start a wonderful morning off. i like going to new york during this time. it reminds me of good times from my first time going there with my best friend. new york will always be a place that reminds me of growth, a city where i was truly an adult. first sangria and it has been given a nice place in my heart.

and now its the thanksgiving eve... the excitement built up from all my shopping for the meal I'm about to make for my family. my dinner guest will be experiencing a traditional*mostly for the first time. not all Asians like turkey, I'm actually have to make a dish for someone who is allergic to poultry. here is the break down of my menu *since I'm a foodie this is a must

Roasted Turkey
Turkey Gravy/Cranberry,Pom Sauce
Braised Red Cabbage topped with Chevre
Roasted Sweet Carrots
Creamy Mashed Potatoes
Mac and Cheese
Sweet & Spicy Sausage Stuffing

and someone is bringing rolls and pumpkin pie. so everything is made from scratch and I'm very excited about it. a whole day of just me and the kitchen is ideal. therapy. i notice how passionate i am about food and how much it burns within when i think about the possibilities of what i can do with it. it brings me such joy to make food and to eat food. i don't eat to live, i live to eat. there is nothing i enjoy more than food, well... i take that back, good passionate sex would have to win over food, but since food is much easier to get, it continues to keep the number one spot in my ladder of importance.
i also found that many people were wishing me "happy thanksgiving and good luck" i guess they think i cant cook. or rather it is some way of hoping all dinners will come out perfect. who knows.

there are only a few more weeks of school left, i think its about three. i will be almost dead from thinking, papers, art exhibits, field trips, abstract paintings, book reviews and discussions o yea.. and finals and another silly speech. i hope i can get all this done and so i can enjoy my break of reading and relaxing. since i wont be going any where i guess i will be discovering Pittsburgh and pa some more. perhaps a trip somewhere. on that note i wish you all a wonderful turkey eating day, and remember to be thankful.

i want to say thanks for everything. to everyone. even to those who have been mere flashes in my life. for every moment that i am breathing i am living and living is the greatest gift that i was able to receive. and a life filled with understanding, tragedies, love, passion, trust, hope, laughter is a life that real. and with the many people in my life i am happy to say i am living a real life. one that is not fake. but i bruise and i heal from it and that is a life i feel is worth living. thank you all.

shalom.

bday blog.

having freaked out last night about my birthday today i was thinking about life. what was i going to do with it after i finished school. what would i do as soon as i get off that plane at lax? what job would be offered, or what jobs would i have to fight for? as my friend described me, she used the phrase "renaissance woman" saying that I would end up doing something completely unique to my skills, lifestyle and personality. I think she's right. If anyone knew me well, it would be her. so of course i thought about it more so today.

what would a renaissance woman be like? i guess me... i do everything. I'll try everything or most things at least once. my skills are not limited to one area of anything. I've catered parties and delivered on something I've never prepared before with perfection and ease, I've had 500 people scream my name trying to get into a party, I've dealt with moody wealthy teenage girls, needy bosses who didn't know when to say admit they were wrong, I've turned down million dollar ventures, I've packed up and left everything I've ever known to move to the cold, I've left people who betrayed my trust, I've redecorated a whole salon with no prior experience, I've played the role of good girl, I've played the role of sex mistress, I've been invisible, I've done a lot. i see that and because of those various experiences i know I'm a better person today. and i know that the emotional trials I've had with relationships and/or failed/attempts of relationships with men have all made me who i am. there isn't anything that i cannot do. nothing is out of reach, not just for me but for any renaissance woman with the drive and talents that can handle any curve ball life has to throw.

but with our current society and the freedom in which women have to do as they please and choose the role they want, there is chaos in that decision/freedom. lots of back tracking done from fear of the unknown. mistakes being made. but that's okay. the problem is that women today, given that freedom are having a hard time choosing who they want to be , because they do not know themselves. i think to really know thyself you go through so much shit in life that you just want to give up, then if you can push through the quicksand of society/world/pressures and pull yourself out, you will know yourself. i find that knowing yourself is the one thing that people can never take away from you. there is not changing who you know yourself to be. no lies to people about who you are, you just are what people see, flaws and all. our world is asking me the one question that seems so hard for many/anyone to answer..

What do you want?

simple as that. what do you want? from life. from this world. from others. etc... well what i want right now, as I'm sitting in my bed room and as I've thought about this on the 80 mi commute is that i want what money cant buy. i want what every human i think essentially wants, love. to have someone to grow old with, to have friends to care about, to have family who irritate you, to love yourself and enjoy life. love today seems like a fantasy that is forever a dream. it is something i found myself getting a bit of here and there but always yearning for more. the love of friends is a joy that i have been able to have, and since moving away i am able to see the bonds of friendships hold against the distance. the love for my family now is stronger than ever, seeing the sacrifices that have been made for the simple aspects in my life, it has shown me how much blood can be enough to make a person love you. two out of three isn't that bad if you ask me at 22. so yes i want love, i cant get enough of it. its a crazy feeling to feel it and know it and to have it. any moment in which you can just be think of how much a few people on this earth can make you so content with life is something in of itself worth wanting. i want that. and i want to get it by simply being me, the renaissance woman that i may be, the clumsy girl who rarely has a day without any injury, the bit crazy thinking outside of the box me. I want to be me and get/give love in this world, that is what i want.

shalom.

femme fatale spell..

I'm working on my exhibition project on "femme fatale." and it got me thinking about that idea that a woman holds that power over a man that she is perceived to be deadly.

what makes a woman attractive? what makes her sexy? what makes her deadly?

attracted to her beauty. and of course there is that amazing personality that she has after he gets to know her... but in some women they are natural femme fatales. men are creatures that desire what is visually appealing to them. that's why women as animals we mimic the things men would instinctively want, such as big breast (fertile milk fill tits), red lips (lips become rose color during orgasm), blush (again Rosy for health and for trying to mimic the post sex face), and many other things that add to the whole image of the overall woman. so a man does not see a woman for her brains or talents at first , for the man he is attracted to the femme fatale by their eyes, their aura, the way they walk, the mischievous smile that they quickly shoot at their victim. they ooze sexuality and total sexual dominance from the get go. some men fall victim to that. they may not know why they are attracted to her, they are curious to find out. she is sly in her ways of gathering information about her prey. she will seduce him and do as she pleases, until she is bored and he will be disposed of easily.

well... i think that this femme fatale is a payback or the reaction to the "player" "pimp" guys out there who are doing the same to the countless women out there. does the femme fatale ever get lonely and sick of her ways? I'm starting to see that she does. who would want to be only known for sex and pleasure all the time? one must choose what to do when in that position. do you want only sexual desires to be pleased? or have the emotional satisfaction of a relationship? and can you have that both in today's society?

shalom.

because i felt like it.. thats why

as humans we have made our basic needs the most undesirable things that we must do. we need to eat, to sleep and to fuck. those are the basic needs that as humans we have made so complicated in current times. we have evolved into such a society that we are punishing ourself for being natural animals. it seems as though we have forgotten that we too humans are animals in the realities of the world.

so food... we cant just eat things because we want to. not for survival, not for trends, why must we feel guilty for wanting to eat all the ice cream. why are we feeling bad for having an alcoholic drink at 10am, why must we blame how we feel, how we were treated badly, we should be able to eat just because we wanted to. no blaming some outside force so that we can fulfill such a simple natural desire.
sleep... we need to sleep after all that sex and all that eating we need to be able to have some rest. yet we have made that hard with pills to fall asleep because we have trained ourselves not to waste time and be nocturnal. but what bullshit is that, deadlines to make us more tired than we need to be. and now if we want to sleep in, we have to write it down somewhere, having it planned. but think of how wonderful having no alarm clock to wake you up. yet its something we still are not able to get without some guilt to time.
sex. we cant couldnt shouldnt have to actually enjoy it. we have to blame it on the beer, the shots, the cheating ex, the loneliness, why cant we just deal with just wanting to have sex. why cant being horny be a good enough answer to deal with what we did the night before. yet it is a natural thing to want to fulfill those sexual urges, thats why you have them. so feed it. why not.

why? because we've made it hard to get the simple things, and they wonder why people are so greedy, shady, evil, unhappy. because we have taken away the joy of those simple things thus, a million dollars to not be able to enjoy simple primal needs, then thats where our world is turning to. think about it. do what you wana. its what will make all the other things easier to enjoy when the basics are given without struggle..

shalom.