Life's Lemons

the saying goes "when life hands you a bunch of lemons, make lemonade" 

i can only laugh at that and try my best to make every negative thing into the positive. so, lemon cello, lemon cake, lemon tart, lemon drop martinis, you name it i've thought of it. a few weeks ago, i was idle, bored and just looking for something to do. and wow. did life decide to throw me a fast one. I'm back to commuting 160 miles for school on a daily basis as well as for work. although i am only working a few hours, i am going to try to keep my job. I just started yesterday on my first shift and i truly enjoy it. it makes me happy to be around food all day, it reminds me of my summer at the restaurant. so i'm going to try my best to keep healthy and positive so that i can keep my job in the city. it seems as though i need to refocus myself on the things most important to me and be strong. 

i have to reschedule my life, i guess the key saying is "be careful of what you wish for, because you just might get it" well i wanted something to spice up my life. and i got it. i guess this is just to check if i really do want to graduate. i have to work harder towards the end of this college year to prove to myself that i really want to finish school and complete what i set out to do while i was in Pittsburgh. i have decided against renting a room in Pittsburgh due to the fact that it is the same about in gas as in rent. and when i drive home to my sisters i really do get to appreciate how hard she has worked to keep me in school and stay true to her word in helping me finish college. 

i was stressed out all last week and was very sad and confused as well. i even tried to be mad at my boyfriend. it was really hard, i realized that i couldnt be mad at him because he did not do anything. he has been nothing but sweet and understanding and he was stern and direct when i was acting a fool. he still said goodnight when he knew i was in a bad mood. i held myself back a few times from just saying stupid things to him and complaining to him about silly events/people. its so strange sometimes but i really am glad he's a Buddhist. he keeps everything in perspective when i am too overwhelmed to see it myself. sometimes its strange that i'm with him. he's 3000 miles away but very part of my everyday life and still gives me bubbles and butterflies when i think of him.. i guess that's a good sign. 

i know that life is filled with lemons, and for some strange reason, i get mine in baskets all at one time, but whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger and wiser. i have been right many times when it comes to things that will be best for my own good and i need to stick to it and not doubt myself. i have decided to focus more on the things that matter most to me and keep positive during times of hardship because i know that in the end it will work out. 

shalom. 

going in circles...

ever feel like nothing is happening? i feel as though my time has been spent just waiting. waiting for something. waiting for time to pass. waiting for more things to happen. i've placed myself in the position to be able to do things and work hard and be busy, yet i am still sitting waiting for time to pass. its hard. i feel as though i'm a loser. i feel as though i am slacking. i probably am slacking and not doing the very best that i can do. what is there to do but sit? 

so now i just sit. watching the birds play, the chipmunks and squirrels collect foods and people walk by. i'm not socially busy, i'm not actually academically struggling, i'm just sitting and waiting. perhaps this just the calm before the storm. if thats so, then maybe i should be planning an emergency sanity kit to have on hand when i do break down and no one is around. and honestly i feel as though i'm sitting alone. how do you go from being super happy to just sitting? i'm thinking of getting rid of my phone. and try to not be a slave of it. no one calls anyhow. i see how odd it is that i and many people of my generation turn to our phones and perhaps its my time to lessen my attachment to that thing that has cause me much stress from just its lack of things to give me. 

i just planned out most of my schedule for my last semester of college. i have many classes to take.. about 7 or so.. should be interesting.. of course there are conflicting schedules since i need to make time for a job and make sure i take enough classes that i know i can handle. lets hope i keep it together until may 9, 2009. then after that i have vacation so that should be alright. no globe trotting for me as i had planned... but perhaps that might change.. i'm looking into traveling professions.. i'm sure that wont make anyone happy but me, but hell who cares about me more than i? i need to get busy...but next semester will be hell for me sitting right now and i know that. . ha. i can only laugh at myself and just wait and be ready. 

shalom. 

fresh air...

Okay. I had some time to think. and yes the animals don't hate me. I think I was a bit too quick to say that the animals don't like me. There are puppies in the home now, there is one puppy at my sister's that adores me and the squirrels are happy with me again. I just got back into town again from Los Angeles. I went back for a wedding and it really gave me some time to think. 

What will happen in the next few months will most likely affect the way I take on the world in the future. I will try to keep positive and do the things i need to do with a smile on my face. I will be starting a new job in the next few days..and i hope that will work out well. school is coming to a close and i need to stay strong and plan out the next year to come. it is hard to figure out how and where i shall go, but i am thankful to have a great team around me. friends and family that support me and with that i think i will be able to reach all my goals/dreams i have built up. 

its just really hard during times like these when everything seems so dark. but i think that trying to keep it positive and to think of all the great things and counting your blessings is the best way to overcome tough times. if anything to overcome periods of darkness and hard choices is moments in which a person's character is truly tested and growth is achieved. with that i hope to try to always to to keep reminding myself to take a moment to take in the fresh air and to smell the roses and know that better times will come as they have always come after harder times. 

shalom.